HAZE

HAZE

This morning I was walking down the street, with hundreds of people around me, but I have never felt more alone. It’s interesting to me how my release of feelings is regarded as wrong. My thoughts on situations don’t matter to other people. I feel like I am in a fog. I can hear people, and I can see. The issue is that my vision is cloudy that I cannot make out who is talking, whether they are friend or foe and even which direction I am heading. 

Instead I feel lost and hopeless. That my efforts to figure out who is my friend is completely in vain. This has been going on for a while, but now I feel it even more. I feel like I am a bad father, that my thoughts and ideas on parenting are all wrong. I am pushing to keep positive, but every time I think I am making progress, it turns out I am deeper in than before. 

Previously, I wrote about my issues with depression, and how I was handling it. That post came at a time when things were looking up. I was able to pull myself out of the slump. You can read what I wrote about The Depressed Dad. Doing that was a major step outside of my comfort zone. This is another one of those. I have gotten to the point where I don’t like to share my feelings and especially not on a media platform where those involved can read it. So, for the sake of those involved I will not go into details about the events that have unfolded.

My current feelings of hopelessness are compounded by seeing my efforts to provide for my family fall null. I tried several ventures and investing to have the ability to provide financially, but each one crashes. I was told I needed to change my marketing strategy, and so I did. I spent some money to get my company names out there and to appeal to my target audiences. The result was a hole in my pocket where my money used to be and a bunch of views with a bounce rate of 98%. Screw the campaigns. Not worth the money. There was less than 1% return and I had spread the marketing out across several outlets. 

Through all of this I have been trying to make friends. I am not good at doing that. I either come off as too intense or just annoying. I don’t really have any dad friends. I have my brothers and one other guy. And that is sad. 

Last night I was in a very dark place. So much so, that the dogs had sensed it and came to comfort me. Really glad they did.  They always know when something is up. I sat with them for 20 minutes in the dark stairwell listening to my son stir and try to go to sleep. I decided at that point to get some stuff done. Usually accomplishing a task list helps me improve spirits, but today, it was a lost cause. 

I am unsure why things have to happen in groups. You know, the “when it rains it pours” saying. Maybe we just tend to notice it ore when our had is dragging on the ground looking up than when we are standing above the clouds. 

This morning walking up that street with my mind in a haze, I realized how bad I am doing. 

Maybe, just maybe; I can catch a break. 

 

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