Dealing With Death
Just because you know that someone will die, does not make dealing with it any easier. We lost my grandmother last Saturday. It has been very difficult to deal with. She was a virtuous woman. She stood by my grandfather for over 62 years and cared for her family through rough patches and easy sailing.
It’s hard for me to continue to put effort into things that don’t work. I see it as failure and then my desire to keep pushing forward diminishes. I have put some heavy effort into this blog and not seeing much fruit. I enjoy doing it but not sure I am making an impact that I was hoping to.
I also have other areas that I pumped my heart and soul into and have seen little or no results from. This creates a continued cycle for me. One of a new idea, excitement and research to get the idea moving. Then once it is in place and receives little or no response… the feeling of failure creeps back in.
There is no manual for being a parent… (well there is but it isn’t official). Its all theory. The hospital lets you walk out with a human life whether you know how to raise and care for it or not. It’s like the DMV handing you the keys to a car without showing you how to make it go, stop or what any signals, road signs, laws, or safety systems are.
The other night my son threw a tantrum about his dinner. He wanted the topping but not the fish that the topping was on. Being a two-year-old with limited communication skills he threw his fish, screamed like I have never heard him do before and flail himself in his highchair until it nearly tipped over.
Needless to say, I didn’t give in and let him have honey for dinner. I offered him fish and peas, but when he rejected it that was all. I finished my dinner then we got down and played. He was fine and didn’t seem upset that he really didn’t eat dinner but made me feel like a terrible father for letting him go without.
I know he is two and I am the adult. It doesn’t make punishment any easier.
I often question myself if I am doing this parenting thing right. My only hope is that another dad will see these posts and learn something from it. Either something they see that I did well, or something they think I did poorly. Either a good example or a bad one, but an example none the less.
I don’t know how people do it sometimes. Trying to balance life and parenting. On top of all of the small things, I am still fighting off feelings of hopelessness, and worries about my job. All while protecting and raising a young human to be the best that he can be. I guess that being a dad isn’t about getting things right. But rather putting your heart and soul into your kid. I want my son to be able to help me fix things around the house. I want him to see me put every effort I can into making things right and being a good person. I pray that someday he is twice the man I will ever be.
It’s always the small things in life that can make you feel live and amazing, but its also the small things that beat you down and keep you from wanting to get out of bed in the morning.
I am trying to keep things in perspective and keep my Wife and Son in my mind at all times. They are the reason I try so hard. They are the reason I am able to continue on each day.